To My Little Heart

My little Tyler John, you are almost here. No matter the circumstances, you will be here in the next 11 days. I am tired, sore, and exhausted. I am ready to see your face, and hear you cry. I am ready to have control over my body and its functions again. I have to admit though, I am relishing in the last few days of my belly. I will miss being the only one who gets to hold you, to truly know you. I love you no matter what. Always.  I will see you very soon. Love, Your Mommy.

It's Still My Body

        Let me start this by saying that it is NEVER ok to criticize another human beings weight, shape, or physical challenges. We are all fighting a battle of some sort.  I do not know what it is about seeing a pregnant woman that gives people the sense of entitlement to say whatever comes to mind about her ever changing body.  I am not an overly sensitive person, and I am completely aware, and secure with, the reasons for the changes my body is going through. Still, I have become very aware that I repeatedly have to bite my tongue in response to peoples ignorant and insensitive remarks about my pregnant body. So, for those of you who feel the need to make a comment or share your unwarranted opinion, let me remind you that it is still my body , not just a baby vessel, and let me provide you with a list of things that I can guarentee you no pregnant woman wants to hear. For the record, these are all things that have actually been said to me. 

1. "Woah!"  This should never be your reaction when approaching or being approached by a pregnant woman.  Even the most confident of us are feeling a little insecure. We can already see your reaction in your face, we don't need to hear it from your mouth. 

2. "How much bigger can you possibly get?!" That is so incredibly rude and the truth is , probably a lot. If we are still out and about we haven't even reached the point where our baby is going to double in size. 

3. "Are you sure you're not having twins?!"  We are usually about 98% sure that we know the head count and would have probably, joyfully, already informed you if there was in fact more than one child in their.

4. -As they lean to glance at your backside- "Wow, its all widening, huh?" Yep, it sure is, and it hurts and its sore and its for one of the most amazing reasons in the world so you are more than welcome to kiss it.

5. Don't ask when we are having the baby only to shoot back with some asshole remark. Example: "When are you due?"  "2 more months."  "You mean 2 more days haha?!"  Nope, 2 months and we are aware of our size and, now, your ignorance. 

6. And finally, when talking to a mother-to-be, whose wish is to have a natural birth, do not tell her how terrible her "area" is going to be after the fact. ESPECIALLY if you have never experienced it first hand.  Do your research and keep your mouth shut. For some reason pregnancy makes conversation about your Vageen fair game. 

      For those of you who have a kind comment or words of encouragemen to share, thank you. 

      I am sure that every woman who has ever been pregnant could keep this list going on and on and on. So please, watch what you say, be kind, and remember that we are still human, words still hurt us, and most importantly , it is still our body. 

Tiny Little Kicks

Sleep evades me these days. I have become a very light sleeper in the last 5 years, but being pregnant, I can't really catch a break. I turn over countless times a night, wake up to hip pain, leg cramps, back aches, and heart burn. Not to mention the average of 2 trips to the bathroom a night. Luckily I have a job that allows me a 1-2 hour nap during the day, so I stay somewhat rested. It is a nice head start to whats to come with the up all night feeding/crying sessions. Anyway, needless to say , I am often in a bit of a zombie state. I get frustrated when I wake up and realize its only 3:30. Then, right as I start to doze, intense hunger pains creep into my stomach.  I beg God to just let me fall back to sleep, to be able to ignore the feelings so I can get just 2 more hours of rest.  I get irritated and angry, I selfsihly long for sound sleep and then there is that little nudge. That sweet little reminder from inside my belly as to why all of these unpleasant things are happening to me and I am truly awakened.  My baby is steadily growing and healthy and that is why my back hurts. My body is transforming itself to prepare for birth and that is why my hips ache.  I am hungry because the little life inside me needs nourishment and the pain is the only way my body can signal for me to provide.  Those sweet little kicks bring me back to reality, and I smile. I rub my belly, tell him good morning and crawl out of bed to start my day.  He is my greatest motivation and I have never even seen his sweet little face.  He keeps me grounded and grateful and I have never even heard his voice.  His empending arrival has allowed me to fall more deeply in love with his father as I watch him prepare the house and take selfless care of me because that means taking care of him too.  He is the most amazing gift we have ever been given.  So, the aches and pains and sleepy days will just have to take a back seat. My attention is needed elsewhere. Somewhere sweet and innocent, and totally dependent on me. My focus will remain on those tiny little kicks. 

The fairer sex

      Ok, so I refuse to use Facebook as a platform for rants. I do not air my dirty laundry, bully other people, make passive agressive comments or anything of that sort. I even try my hardest not to "like" or repost anything that may hurt someone elses feelings. I just don't think that is what social media should be used for. The world is harsh enough as it is.  I know a lot of people will claim that I try to portray a perfect life and that is fine. I do make it a point to try and only share the happy times with FB friends mainly for two reasons. 1. I believe that life itself provides enough trials and tough times as it is, you don't need to log into social media to have my junk dumped on you too. 2. The people closest to me, that I trust and confide in, know my secrets. They know my dark times and the struggles I go through and those are the people that I choose to share those things with. FB is a very public platform where, and we can all admit this, we are friends with people that we may not want knowing everyting about us.  Having given my disclaimer, I would like to say this. I am SO sick and tired of women sharing articles and liking posts that deliberately insult other women.  I know that everyone has their own opinion and I strongly believe that we are all entitled to it, but tearing others down to build yourself up is cowardly and weak.  

     

   One example. There is a short article claiming that "The more intelligent a woman is, the more likely she is to be single."  What a horribly belittiling claim to make against married and involved women.  Since when does being in a relationship have anything to do with your level of intelligence. I consider myself a smart woman. I did not go to college and I will never a day in my life claim to be studious, but I am successful, well-spoken, and I have built a pretty impressive life for myself. I just so happen to be married to a man that I love.  It angers me that, because I have been lucky enough to find someone to share my life with, I am considered of lower intelligence.  So, women , know that when you repost things like this, it comes off as petty and bitter. I understand certain things make certain people feel better about themselves, but why do you have to feel better at someone elses expense? 

    Another example. There is an article floating around eluding to the idea that relationships and marriages don't work these days and that anyone who has avoided divorce is either A. Headed in that direction or B. Faking happiness to avoid exposing their miserable existence.  How insulting! Marriage is hard, it is not always romance and love and adoration, but it is far from misery.  I am so sick of being bullied and put down for being in a happy relationship.  My husband and I fight, we get on eachothers nerves, we go through tough times, but that in no way means that we are leading an unhappy life.  I am sternly requesting that the people writing these articles quit grouping me in with whatever relatioships they have researched because they are sadly mistaken.  I am not weak because I share my life with someone else, if anything it makes me a stronger, more adaptable person to have to consider someone else day in and day out.  Maybe marriages are less likely to work because of skepticism, or constant doubt, or a spoiled generation that feels entitled to flawless happiness....Maybe marriages don't work because people see the union as a crutch for the weak? There are all kinds of reasons marriages don't work but to say they only work when they are fake is a cop out and I am tired of hearing it. 

   Lastly,  the whole mommy/body/diet/ lifestyle war has gotten SO old and tired for me.  "Real women have curves" - No, real women have vaginas and thats about the only requirement. Skinny, thick, short, tall....it doesn't matter. Fat shaming and skinny shaming are disgusting and I am sick of hearing both.  Formula fed babies are not neglected. Mothers who choose natural birthing methods are not "crazy" and some parents can't afford to feed their children non-dairy, non-gluten, completely organic diets and that is ok.  Back off of eachother! My goodness, it is hard enough to exist in this world as a woman without other women breathing down your neck about the way you choose to live your everyday life. To each her own. If someone doesn't want children, good for them. If someone wants six, good for her. Each womans life is hers to live and, as long as her decisions aren't harming others, keep your nose out of the details!  Spend time supporting eachother and lifting other women up. You may be surprised what it does for your self-esteem.

Every Good and Perfect Gift

                       Well, it has been a while. It has been 5 months since my last post. I have been slacking. Well, slacking on my blogging. Elsewhere in life there have been a crazy amount of moving parts so bare with me, this entry is going to be a doozy.  We are pregnant! We made a little Halloween baby! It is crazy how God works. We tried for about a year, off and on. We refused to take it too seriously, and as the months passed, we decided we could use a little vacation. In July, we started researching a trip to New York and Canada for New Years, but that got really expensive, really fast that. So scratch that, fast forward a month into early September, we decided a long road trip from California to Canada was our new plan. We would take our time winding in and out of the Redwoods, soak in the serenity of the Oregon coast, have a little coffee in Seattle and then on to the beauty of British Columbia. I was so excited and I started to think, maybe next year we would make it to Ireland. In mid October, after a lot of talking and weighing options, we decided I would get back on the pill. Just for about 6 months to a year to get my body regulated and to take a little more us time. So, I called my doctor, stopped by the pharmacy, and stocked up on $200 worth of birth control. I would have to wait until early November to start my first cycle of pills, so I did. I waited, and I waited, and waited a little more. 

                        Finally, the day after Thanksgiving we woke up to get ready to go to my Aunt Jeans house. It was going to be a day filled with brunch, mimosas, Cards Against Humanity, and more mimosas. I told Philip that I felt like we should take a pregnancy test just to clear my conscience before I went and got toasty with the family. So we went and picked up a pack of two Clear Blue pregnancy tests. They are so high tech these days. They can tell you approximately how far along you are up to 3+ weeks. Philip said, "Go do your pee thing and then come back out and we will feed the dogs breakfast and wait together." I was nervous. We had wanted a baby for so long but we had finally come to the realization that we were going to be just fine if children were not in our future. My head was swimming and my stomach was turning. I couldn't wait the full 2-3 minutes so I snuck of and tip toed down the hallway. "Just look, like ripping a bandaid off, just do it and it's done." I walked to the bathroom counter, I picked up the test, and my world changed forever. "Pregnant  3+weeks." I don't even know what my initial  thought was. I was like a machine. I turned, walked down the hallway, and called around the corner, "Baby...." I guess Philip could hear something in my voice because he looked out from the kitchen with wide eyes and a smile and said "No you're not!" I broke down. I started crying and shaking and told him I was almost a month pregnant. I handed him the test and I sank into his arms. I had to sit down and breathe. I was in complete shock. He started laughing and crying and came over to my side. I was hysterical. I was happy and scared and overwhelmed all at once. I have never felt any sensation like that in my entire life. 

                       And that is how we found out we were going to be parents. We surprised my family with the news and then later in the day went to see his parents. Everyone was so happy, it was such a wonderful day. It will be the first grandbaby on my side so there were a lot of tears and plans already being made. Over the next few months we went to doctors appointments, changed my diet, found out we would meet our little angel on July 30, 2015, battled morning sickness which, by the way, is more like all day sickness, and kept the biggest news of our lives a secret. We got to hear the babies heart beat and see it kicking and squirming around. We also took the Amnio test which tells you if there are signs of any developmental issues but can also tell you the sex at 12-13 weeks. We are having a boy! I am going to have a son. That blows my mind. I always pictured myself having girls. I am so excited about the thought of a little Philip running around our house. I already love him so much it is insane. We have decided to name him Tyler John. Ty, I love it. I love him. He is already my greatest achievement and I haven't even laid eyes on his sweet little face yet. Philip has already bought his crib. He is so excited. He looks over our registry every day to make sure we haven't missed anything or to research the safety of the items we have already picked out. It is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. He is going to be such an amazing dad. The nursery is well under way. My dad is painting my old toy box and dresser to match the crib and changing table and we bought a rug to keep his room warmer.  Ty got more Christmas presents than Philip and I combined. He is already so loved it is absolutely incredible. We are so blessed. God had a plan all along and it was easy to lose sight of that but now, I stand back and see it all. I understand, and I am humbled and grateful. I am honored that He has trusted me to guide a sweet baby boy through life and I pray that I live up to the challenge of motherhood. 

Wanderlust

                         

I cannot control my urge to travel right now. I am in the middle of planning a pretty ambitious trip for Philip and I over the New Year holiday. I can't go into anymore detail than that bc it is my turn to plan. We alternate vacation planning and the only rule is that we have to visit a city that we have never been to. Im pretty sure he doesn't frequent my blog, but on the off chance he has all of a sudden become an avid reader, I will keep a tight lip.  So far, we will be making 3 stops. It will be a lot of hustling and super exhausting, but I want to see as much as we can while in a certain part of the country. So far, we have been to London, Liverpool, Wales, Chester, Llandudno, Rome, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Palm Springs (California), Denver, Vail, Pensacola, New Orleans, and last but not least, all over Oklahoma and Texas. Our travel bucket list consists of a lot more places like Germany, Spain, Greece, Amsterdam, Ireland, New York, Canada, Mexico, and Washington among a lot of others. We will be checking off at least 2 of those this year. In the meantime, we are taking little trips to the lake with the pups or spending a weekend in Fort Worth. Priceline and Groupon make it doable for us. Travel does not have to be expensive......well it doesn't have to be SUPER expensive.  This coming weekend I am road tripping to Austin with my sister Molly. I can't wait. I see mimosas, pool lounging, beers, live music, and possibly sister tatoos in our very near future. I want to see the world but for now, I am happy in Texas. 

Sunday Mornings

"...and we are in bed together laughing, and we don't care about anything..."- Charles Bukowski

This coming Sunday is a day I have been looking forward to for six years. We have both waited patiently, and finally its here. This Sunday begins Philips new schedule that includes every Sunday off!  Our work hours are crazy between three jobs and we have to really work to spend time together, but now we have a whole entire day, every week, to spend together, doing whatever we want. We will get to sleep in together. Wake up and have coffee together. Work in the yard if we want to. Paint a room.  Hang out with friends and family. Take a quick overnight trip on Saturdays. We even get to start going to church together should we find one that feels like home.  The possibilities are endless. Just one day, but we will take it. He is my best friend in the whole world and he works so hard, he deserves a real live weekend day. I can't wait to fill the hours building our life. But first, I think we will sleep in...