Every Good and Perfect Gift

                       Well, it has been a while. It has been 5 months since my last post. I have been slacking. Well, slacking on my blogging. Elsewhere in life there have been a crazy amount of moving parts so bare with me, this entry is going to be a doozy.  We are pregnant! We made a little Halloween baby! It is crazy how God works. We tried for about a year, off and on. We refused to take it too seriously, and as the months passed, we decided we could use a little vacation. In July, we started researching a trip to New York and Canada for New Years, but that got really expensive, really fast that. So scratch that, fast forward a month into early September, we decided a long road trip from California to Canada was our new plan. We would take our time winding in and out of the Redwoods, soak in the serenity of the Oregon coast, have a little coffee in Seattle and then on to the beauty of British Columbia. I was so excited and I started to think, maybe next year we would make it to Ireland. In mid October, after a lot of talking and weighing options, we decided I would get back on the pill. Just for about 6 months to a year to get my body regulated and to take a little more us time. So, I called my doctor, stopped by the pharmacy, and stocked up on $200 worth of birth control. I would have to wait until early November to start my first cycle of pills, so I did. I waited, and I waited, and waited a little more. 

                        Finally, the day after Thanksgiving we woke up to get ready to go to my Aunt Jeans house. It was going to be a day filled with brunch, mimosas, Cards Against Humanity, and more mimosas. I told Philip that I felt like we should take a pregnancy test just to clear my conscience before I went and got toasty with the family. So we went and picked up a pack of two Clear Blue pregnancy tests. They are so high tech these days. They can tell you approximately how far along you are up to 3+ weeks. Philip said, "Go do your pee thing and then come back out and we will feed the dogs breakfast and wait together." I was nervous. We had wanted a baby for so long but we had finally come to the realization that we were going to be just fine if children were not in our future. My head was swimming and my stomach was turning. I couldn't wait the full 2-3 minutes so I snuck of and tip toed down the hallway. "Just look, like ripping a bandaid off, just do it and it's done." I walked to the bathroom counter, I picked up the test, and my world changed forever. "Pregnant  3+weeks." I don't even know what my initial  thought was. I was like a machine. I turned, walked down the hallway, and called around the corner, "Baby...." I guess Philip could hear something in my voice because he looked out from the kitchen with wide eyes and a smile and said "No you're not!" I broke down. I started crying and shaking and told him I was almost a month pregnant. I handed him the test and I sank into his arms. I had to sit down and breathe. I was in complete shock. He started laughing and crying and came over to my side. I was hysterical. I was happy and scared and overwhelmed all at once. I have never felt any sensation like that in my entire life. 

                       And that is how we found out we were going to be parents. We surprised my family with the news and then later in the day went to see his parents. Everyone was so happy, it was such a wonderful day. It will be the first grandbaby on my side so there were a lot of tears and plans already being made. Over the next few months we went to doctors appointments, changed my diet, found out we would meet our little angel on July 30, 2015, battled morning sickness which, by the way, is more like all day sickness, and kept the biggest news of our lives a secret. We got to hear the babies heart beat and see it kicking and squirming around. We also took the Amnio test which tells you if there are signs of any developmental issues but can also tell you the sex at 12-13 weeks. We are having a boy! I am going to have a son. That blows my mind. I always pictured myself having girls. I am so excited about the thought of a little Philip running around our house. I already love him so much it is insane. We have decided to name him Tyler John. Ty, I love it. I love him. He is already my greatest achievement and I haven't even laid eyes on his sweet little face yet. Philip has already bought his crib. He is so excited. He looks over our registry every day to make sure we haven't missed anything or to research the safety of the items we have already picked out. It is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. He is going to be such an amazing dad. The nursery is well under way. My dad is painting my old toy box and dresser to match the crib and changing table and we bought a rug to keep his room warmer.  Ty got more Christmas presents than Philip and I combined. He is already so loved it is absolutely incredible. We are so blessed. God had a plan all along and it was easy to lose sight of that but now, I stand back and see it all. I understand, and I am humbled and grateful. I am honored that He has trusted me to guide a sweet baby boy through life and I pray that I live up to the challenge of motherhood. 

Wanderlust

                         

I cannot control my urge to travel right now. I am in the middle of planning a pretty ambitious trip for Philip and I over the New Year holiday. I can't go into anymore detail than that bc it is my turn to plan. We alternate vacation planning and the only rule is that we have to visit a city that we have never been to. Im pretty sure he doesn't frequent my blog, but on the off chance he has all of a sudden become an avid reader, I will keep a tight lip.  So far, we will be making 3 stops. It will be a lot of hustling and super exhausting, but I want to see as much as we can while in a certain part of the country. So far, we have been to London, Liverpool, Wales, Chester, Llandudno, Rome, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Palm Springs (California), Denver, Vail, Pensacola, New Orleans, and last but not least, all over Oklahoma and Texas. Our travel bucket list consists of a lot more places like Germany, Spain, Greece, Amsterdam, Ireland, New York, Canada, Mexico, and Washington among a lot of others. We will be checking off at least 2 of those this year. In the meantime, we are taking little trips to the lake with the pups or spending a weekend in Fort Worth. Priceline and Groupon make it doable for us. Travel does not have to be expensive......well it doesn't have to be SUPER expensive.  This coming weekend I am road tripping to Austin with my sister Molly. I can't wait. I see mimosas, pool lounging, beers, live music, and possibly sister tatoos in our very near future. I want to see the world but for now, I am happy in Texas. 

Sunday Mornings

"...and we are in bed together laughing, and we don't care about anything..."- Charles Bukowski

This coming Sunday is a day I have been looking forward to for six years. We have both waited patiently, and finally its here. This Sunday begins Philips new schedule that includes every Sunday off!  Our work hours are crazy between three jobs and we have to really work to spend time together, but now we have a whole entire day, every week, to spend together, doing whatever we want. We will get to sleep in together. Wake up and have coffee together. Work in the yard if we want to. Paint a room.  Hang out with friends and family. Take a quick overnight trip on Saturdays. We even get to start going to church together should we find one that feels like home.  The possibilities are endless. Just one day, but we will take it. He is my best friend in the whole world and he works so hard, he deserves a real live weekend day. I can't wait to fill the hours building our life. But first, I think we will sleep in...

30 feels right

I am 30.  Officially, I have been 30 for 17 days, 12 hours, and 15 minutes, and I am kind of loving it. It may sound cliche, but I feel more myself now than I ever have before.  It is a good, rounded feeling. I am comfortable in my skin. I feel healthy and beautiful.  I have a steady grasp on life and where I want it to go.  I no longer feel the anxiety of what people might think about something I believe, or like, or don't like.  Time can't be wasted worrying about the judgement of others. Happiness is a very real, attainable life status and it feels good to go after it.  I know who is on my side, who has my back, and who doesn't.  30 is going to be a year of owning it for me.  The good, the bad, the hiccups, its my life and i plan on taking full responsibility.  So, a few fun things I have done since I turned 30.  We went to Vegas! Chelsey (agreatbigcanvas.blogspot.com) and I jumped off the Stratosphere as soon as we arrived.  I confidently wore a dress with a plunging (and I mean plunging) neckline out on the town. Hubby and I road tripped to California with one of our best friends.  We rented a moped for the day and drove through the mountains for hours laughing and hiking.  I got my nose pierced! (eek).  And last but not least, I quit my job and went to work for my brother/sister in law as their nanny. It is less hours working which means more hours as a wife, and that is exactly what we needed.  The extra perks money can bring are great, but the decreased stress level and increased family time are so much greater.  I am loving 30. Who knew aging could be so rejuvenating?!

                   

                       

                 

Before Baby Bucket List

 I mentioned in an earlier post, we have decided we want to start a family this year. Actually, we decided that last July, but it didnt happen in 2013 so now we plan on this year.  After a good 7 months of trying we decided to take a break.  I was starting to stress, which in turn stressed Philip and so on and so forth.  We both agreed that we weren't ready to start charting temperatures and all of that other junk yet. So we stopped. In all honesty, the tick of my clock was deafening at the beginning of February. A lot of our friends were pregnant so quickly and I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me.  I know it can take around a year, and I also know that getting pregnant quickly is not as common as it might seem, but it still hurt. And thats normal and ok. But then I decided to stop freaking out about the "baby thing".  There are so many amazing things in life to enjoy pre-baby. Things that are completely out of the question, or close to it after your two becomes three. My husband is my favorite person in the whole world, I have a ride or die family, my friends are the best, and my pups...don't even get me started on my doggies. We would love to have babies. They would totally enhance the light that is our life, but the timing is obviously not ours to decide. My plan for 2014 is to count my blessings big and small. To do all of the things I always said I wanted to do. To take full advantage of our pre-baby days.  I want to make memories with my husband and plans for our future. I want to get healthy and happy. I want to be settled in simplicity but stimulated spiritually.  I want to live my life day to day instead of constantly worrying about the future. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. I will reduce negativity and be grateful for this sweet life God has made available to me. I will pray for grace, patience, and acceptance. I will try every day to put out positive energy and hope into the world. We will have our time as parents, its just that we cant know the when, where, or how, and thats ok. Im feeling really good about 2014.

                                                                  John 21:20-22

Be Forever Present

So, I love 311... Like LOVE them. They were the main soundtrack to my highschool days and have remained a significant part of my adult self-therapy. Philip and I went on a road trip to Austin last weekend to get away after the crazy Thanksgiving holiday. We saw some old friends, played a little golf, snuck away to the San Antonio Riverwalk for a night, and even slept passed 7 a.m. All in all a successful vacation. On our way home, my spotify playlist chose to play this beautiful little reminder  and as I listened and quietly sang along, a sort of peace fell over me. It sounds cliche but at the age of 29, closer to 30, I feel like I have finally got myself figured out. The picture of what I want out of life has become more of an outline, and I have an eraser in hand. I am ok with the fact that things are never going to be exactly what you want, and sometimes you don't even know what you want until you are thrown for a loop. You are always going to have to tweak and readjust, make room for change, welcome the alternate ending. As I looked over at Philip driving , tapping the steering wheel to the beat of Peanuts bass, I couldn't help but smile. He looked at me with a double take, smiled, and asked  "what!?" My response...."nothing, I'm just happy." And I am....I'm just happy.  I'm not overthinking a conversation with a friend, I'm not stressing about the fact that I can't control others actions, I'm going with the flow, I'm learning to let things roll off. I'm not fixating on life's next step or scrambling for fulfillment. I'm letting myself be content. I'm learning that this is enough. More would always be nice, even welcomed, but if more never happens, then ok. Right now is pretty sweet as it is. So, if we never get another raise, if we never have similar work schedules, if we dont have kiddos, or if everything fell out from under us tomorrow, so what? We will survive and flourish, together, because that's what we do.

          I am learning to live in the moment. I feel that, when I was younger, I let a lot of precious opportunities pass me by because I was always planning for the future. Always worried about setting the scene for the way it "should" be, and that sucks. There is so much freedom in realizing that, just because you do things a different way, doesn't make it wrong. I don't have to do things exactly the way my parents did them, I don't have to share the same opinions or beliefs as my friends, that would make everything so boring.  Who cares if people want to judge? That's their bad. If you're actions are not intended for malice or offense, then screw anyone who tries to make what you do about them. This is your life, and it's fleeting. Stop, look around, and quit being so hard on yourself. Be grateful for all of the amazing opportunities God gives you every day. Quit comparing. Do more of what makes you happy. Be kind. Be genuine. Be happy.  In the words of the beautiful Nick Hexum, "Its alright, wherever you are right now, I tell you it's alright, that's where you're supposed to be now."

  

               

                                 

                                                                    (Photo via Pinterest)

Gratitude Changes Everything

        Life is so unpredictable.  One minute you can be smiling, laughing, and surrounded by friends, and the next you're scrambling to make sense of something you may never understand.  Recent loss and tragedy in our circle of friends has made me realize how much I love the people in my life and how much I lack in communicating that regularly.  I started thinking about my priorities, and I realized that I was stretched much too thin. I had been a really great friend, and employee, but I sure was lacking in the wife/sister/daughter/niece/cousin department. I am blessed to have a truly amazing family unit. I have, in recent years, begun to understand what a rare and beautiful privilege that is. Yet, I never reinforce my appreciation for them. Do they all know the impact they have on my daily decisions, or that they make my world a brighter place and my existence more than worth while?  If I'm completely honest with myself, and you, then no, there is absolutely no way that I have ever even come close to letting them know that each of them is a piece that makes my heart whole. 

         My mom doesn't know that she is the most genuinely kind person that I have ever known. That her patience and understanding humbles me, and her desire to always do better is inspiring. My dad doesn't know that I think he should be a case study on fatherly love for men with daughters. He is such an ideal example of selflessness for husbands and fathers. And he is one of the funniest guys I know. My sisters , they are my best gals. My older sister, Shanna, is who I look to when I need to remember that hard work pays off. When I feel like there is nothing I can do to help someone, she leads me by example. Molly, my younger sister, is my go-to when I just need to smile. She is always there, rain or shine, ready to listen while I cry, and ready to make a perfectly timed, off color joke, when she decides it's time to laugh. My Aunt Jean and Uncle Kirk...they were at every softball game, cheerleading event, and school play......they even came to flute recitals, yikes. They have thrown engagement parties, graduation parties, and parties just because for me and my sisters. They have always loved and supported me and no matter how many family events I miss because of my crazy work schedule, they love me just the same and never give me grief.  I have an aunt and uncle who can walk into a party full of my friends and 80% of the people there will know who they are. They are completely present and I love them. Campbell, my cousin, is the little brother I never had. He is a 19 year old who just started college, and I am so proud of the man he has become. He is sweet, and sincere, and smart, and hilarious.  We have a genuine honesty between the two of us that I treasure more than words can say. He is wise beyond his years and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for him. Today is his birthday, Happy Birthday Campbell, I love you very much.  

       

       Finally, there is Philip. My husband, my partner, and my very best friend in the whole world. Our marriage had a rocky start, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world because it did nothing but reinforce the fact that we are meant to be, the world came knocking and we answered. He is what I look forward to every evening and he is my favorite part of waking up in the morning. He is the one that will go on midnight rescue trips with me when a neighbor has left a dog out in the cold, or take off to the casino for an impromptu date night. We laugh so much together and we deserve it because, man, have we cried. I am so grateful for his love. Right now is my favorite phase of our life together, so far. I smile at the idea of growing old with him, not only because of the romantic connotations that come with it, but because I know we will make lemonade out of life's obstacles. We will greet each road block with a smile, love, and humor. We will pass it by and just keep going. 

      Sorry this entry is so long, but it is very important to me. I have had a bit of an epiphany as of late, and I am going through a very profound change. It has been accompanied by a lot of peace, and lot of letting go. I I am learning to "stop glorifying busy", and I am coming to terms with the idea that "no" is a complete answer, you don't have to justify your decisions.  It is not selfish to do what makes you happy  as long as it is not intentionally hurting anyone else.  I will leave you with this little Tid Bit that really hit home for me.