Before Baby Bucket List

 I mentioned in an earlier post, we have decided we want to start a family this year. Actually, we decided that last July, but it didnt happen in 2013 so now we plan on this year.  After a good 7 months of trying we decided to take a break.  I was starting to stress, which in turn stressed Philip and so on and so forth.  We both agreed that we weren't ready to start charting temperatures and all of that other junk yet. So we stopped. In all honesty, the tick of my clock was deafening at the beginning of February. A lot of our friends were pregnant so quickly and I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me.  I know it can take around a year, and I also know that getting pregnant quickly is not as common as it might seem, but it still hurt. And thats normal and ok. But then I decided to stop freaking out about the "baby thing".  There are so many amazing things in life to enjoy pre-baby. Things that are completely out of the question, or close to it after your two becomes three. My husband is my favorite person in the whole world, I have a ride or die family, my friends are the best, and my pups...don't even get me started on my doggies. We would love to have babies. They would totally enhance the light that is our life, but the timing is obviously not ours to decide. My plan for 2014 is to count my blessings big and small. To do all of the things I always said I wanted to do. To take full advantage of our pre-baby days.  I want to make memories with my husband and plans for our future. I want to get healthy and happy. I want to be settled in simplicity but stimulated spiritually.  I want to live my life day to day instead of constantly worrying about the future. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. I will reduce negativity and be grateful for this sweet life God has made available to me. I will pray for grace, patience, and acceptance. I will try every day to put out positive energy and hope into the world. We will have our time as parents, its just that we cant know the when, where, or how, and thats ok. Im feeling really good about 2014.

                                                                  John 21:20-22

Be Forever Present

So, I love 311... Like LOVE them. They were the main soundtrack to my highschool days and have remained a significant part of my adult self-therapy. Philip and I went on a road trip to Austin last weekend to get away after the crazy Thanksgiving holiday. We saw some old friends, played a little golf, snuck away to the San Antonio Riverwalk for a night, and even slept passed 7 a.m. All in all a successful vacation. On our way home, my spotify playlist chose to play this beautiful little reminder  and as I listened and quietly sang along, a sort of peace fell over me. It sounds cliche but at the age of 29, closer to 30, I feel like I have finally got myself figured out. The picture of what I want out of life has become more of an outline, and I have an eraser in hand. I am ok with the fact that things are never going to be exactly what you want, and sometimes you don't even know what you want until you are thrown for a loop. You are always going to have to tweak and readjust, make room for change, welcome the alternate ending. As I looked over at Philip driving , tapping the steering wheel to the beat of Peanuts bass, I couldn't help but smile. He looked at me with a double take, smiled, and asked  "what!?" My response...."nothing, I'm just happy." And I am....I'm just happy.  I'm not overthinking a conversation with a friend, I'm not stressing about the fact that I can't control others actions, I'm going with the flow, I'm learning to let things roll off. I'm not fixating on life's next step or scrambling for fulfillment. I'm letting myself be content. I'm learning that this is enough. More would always be nice, even welcomed, but if more never happens, then ok. Right now is pretty sweet as it is. So, if we never get another raise, if we never have similar work schedules, if we dont have kiddos, or if everything fell out from under us tomorrow, so what? We will survive and flourish, together, because that's what we do.

          I am learning to live in the moment. I feel that, when I was younger, I let a lot of precious opportunities pass me by because I was always planning for the future. Always worried about setting the scene for the way it "should" be, and that sucks. There is so much freedom in realizing that, just because you do things a different way, doesn't make it wrong. I don't have to do things exactly the way my parents did them, I don't have to share the same opinions or beliefs as my friends, that would make everything so boring.  Who cares if people want to judge? That's their bad. If you're actions are not intended for malice or offense, then screw anyone who tries to make what you do about them. This is your life, and it's fleeting. Stop, look around, and quit being so hard on yourself. Be grateful for all of the amazing opportunities God gives you every day. Quit comparing. Do more of what makes you happy. Be kind. Be genuine. Be happy.  In the words of the beautiful Nick Hexum, "Its alright, wherever you are right now, I tell you it's alright, that's where you're supposed to be now."

  

               

                                 

                                                                    (Photo via Pinterest)

Gratitude Changes Everything

        Life is so unpredictable.  One minute you can be smiling, laughing, and surrounded by friends, and the next you're scrambling to make sense of something you may never understand.  Recent loss and tragedy in our circle of friends has made me realize how much I love the people in my life and how much I lack in communicating that regularly.  I started thinking about my priorities, and I realized that I was stretched much too thin. I had been a really great friend, and employee, but I sure was lacking in the wife/sister/daughter/niece/cousin department. I am blessed to have a truly amazing family unit. I have, in recent years, begun to understand what a rare and beautiful privilege that is. Yet, I never reinforce my appreciation for them. Do they all know the impact they have on my daily decisions, or that they make my world a brighter place and my existence more than worth while?  If I'm completely honest with myself, and you, then no, there is absolutely no way that I have ever even come close to letting them know that each of them is a piece that makes my heart whole. 

         My mom doesn't know that she is the most genuinely kind person that I have ever known. That her patience and understanding humbles me, and her desire to always do better is inspiring. My dad doesn't know that I think he should be a case study on fatherly love for men with daughters. He is such an ideal example of selflessness for husbands and fathers. And he is one of the funniest guys I know. My sisters , they are my best gals. My older sister, Shanna, is who I look to when I need to remember that hard work pays off. When I feel like there is nothing I can do to help someone, she leads me by example. Molly, my younger sister, is my go-to when I just need to smile. She is always there, rain or shine, ready to listen while I cry, and ready to make a perfectly timed, off color joke, when she decides it's time to laugh. My Aunt Jean and Uncle Kirk...they were at every softball game, cheerleading event, and school play......they even came to flute recitals, yikes. They have thrown engagement parties, graduation parties, and parties just because for me and my sisters. They have always loved and supported me and no matter how many family events I miss because of my crazy work schedule, they love me just the same and never give me grief.  I have an aunt and uncle who can walk into a party full of my friends and 80% of the people there will know who they are. They are completely present and I love them. Campbell, my cousin, is the little brother I never had. He is a 19 year old who just started college, and I am so proud of the man he has become. He is sweet, and sincere, and smart, and hilarious.  We have a genuine honesty between the two of us that I treasure more than words can say. He is wise beyond his years and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for him. Today is his birthday, Happy Birthday Campbell, I love you very much.  

       

       Finally, there is Philip. My husband, my partner, and my very best friend in the whole world. Our marriage had a rocky start, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world because it did nothing but reinforce the fact that we are meant to be, the world came knocking and we answered. He is what I look forward to every evening and he is my favorite part of waking up in the morning. He is the one that will go on midnight rescue trips with me when a neighbor has left a dog out in the cold, or take off to the casino for an impromptu date night. We laugh so much together and we deserve it because, man, have we cried. I am so grateful for his love. Right now is my favorite phase of our life together, so far. I smile at the idea of growing old with him, not only because of the romantic connotations that come with it, but because I know we will make lemonade out of life's obstacles. We will greet each road block with a smile, love, and humor. We will pass it by and just keep going. 

      Sorry this entry is so long, but it is very important to me. I have had a bit of an epiphany as of late, and I am going through a very profound change. It has been accompanied by a lot of peace, and lot of letting go. I I am learning to "stop glorifying busy", and I am coming to terms with the idea that "no" is a complete answer, you don't have to justify your decisions.  It is not selfish to do what makes you happy  as long as it is not intentionally hurting anyone else.  I will leave you with this little Tid Bit that really hit home for me.

                              

                             

Wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans

       

Philip and I have been trying to get pregnant. This is our third month. It's tough. You spend your entire "adulthood" trying to prevent pregnancy, and then once you actually start trying to get pregnant, it's like a carefully calculated hit or miss game. Philip is really excited about turning our 2 into 3. I know he is going to be such an amazing dad someday. I don't think he has any idea just how good at it he will be, but I can see it. I watch him when we are around the other little munchkins in our life and he is so playful, and silly, and he has patience with them. I absolutely cannot wait to witness the love between him and our someday baby. The first month we didn't really know what we were doing, the second month we watched the calendar, and stressed a little too much. The more people tell you to just go with the flow, the harder it is to think about anything else.  I was really disappointed when we got the negative test, but I still had that little glimmer of hope that we had just tested too early. And then Aunt Flo came. So here we are at month three. I'm in the middle of my two week sentence as they call it, so we will know soon enough. Obviously I will not be writing on this topic again for a while b/c if we are, I won't be ready to tell people, and if we aren't, there won't be anything to really say except that we will try again next month. In the mean time, I have made some positive lifestyle changes to help prepare my body to grow another person should the opportunity present itself. I quit smoking, I cut back on caffeine....surprisingly harder to give up than cigarettes, and I weened off of some medication I have been on for years. I feel great. I feel happier than I have in a long time. I have energy, and, it has been very therapeutic to channel my frustrating lack of control in the baby making department into something positive that I can control. I feel healthy, and confident, and a little proud I must say. The baby thing is Gods timing. We are ready whenever He is, and in the meantime we will just enjoy the journey. We have plenty of little peanuts in our life to keep us occupied until we have our own. "Keep your chin up" is a very underrated gem of advice. No matter what struggles you might be facing right now, it could always be worse. Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere. 

Country Girls Can Survive

        

                                                                 I just love her for so many reasons

Established 2013

Ok, so technically, our House of Auden was established in 2011, but we just bought our first home in July of this year so we will go with that.  Becoming a homeowner is one of those things that you look forward to and dream about but when it happens it kind of scares the shit out of you. The stress from the day you start looking until the day you close is all too present, the entire process. But once it's done, the fun begins. Picking out paint colors, buying a couple of new pieces of furniture, painting old furniture to make it "new to you." I am so glad that we live in the age of Pinterest. I vowed to complete at least 4 projects from my Home again, Home again board and I did! In fact, I completed 6 or so. Philip and I worked our butts off on making our new house a home and it paid off. We spent last weekend surrounded by our wonderfully supportive family and friends. Drinking margaritas ,eating tacos, and warming the house.  Of course the universe has to balance so our sprinkler system has decided it's quirky...not like "Zooey Deschanel cute quirky" , more like that "cowlick you can't get to smooth out quirky."  We noticed a little leak from the dishwasher, and Verizon decided to double bill us without a heads up. Being a home owner really slaps you in the face with the fact that, it's your house, if it's broken you have no choice but to figure out a way to fix it.  It can be really intimidating, and stressful. In my opinion it's not all that bad when you are laughing your way through it with your best friend. It's totally worth it. Especially when you look across the room and he is dancing to the Cleveland Show theme song. Here are a few pictures of our completed projects, decor, and the house warming party. 

         

                        (a sketch of our new home done by Cortney Bonner, byebyebondstone.blogspot)

                                        

                                                     (my favorite new addition to our living room)

       

                             (two of my favorites) - photo by Marli Epperson, chase simplicity.blogspot

        

                           

                                                             (my plywood project for our guest room)

Out With the Old, In With the New

                           

                          

One of my best friends recently got me thinking about negative associations and how they can ruin a perfectly wonderful thing. Like a song, a restaurant, or even the month of October. Whether it's because you got devastating news on a certain holiday or you and some asshole used to quote a particular movie together, painful attachments can suck the joy right out of many, otherwise blissful, elements of life.......that is, if you let them. Why not say "screw that memory! I'm not going to let some b.s., that was completely out of my control, dictate how I feel about (insert person, place, or thing)." I mean, its obviously easier said than done, but, how empowering would it be to decide what memories to hold on to and which ones to let go?  Everyone always tells you , don't forget your past, it made you who you are , yada yada yada. Of course I'm not suggesting that you abandon the lesson or the experience. I am simply saying that we should take back the control that we have given to that poisonous memory.  Show it/them who is boss. The best revenge is to live well. I am going to be completely real about this. I have a particular bar that I will not go to because of a bad memory with a toxic person. I am going to challenge myself to go there next time an invitation is extended. I am going to walk in, order a drink, have a blast with my friends, and evict the worthless memory from my bank. Everything starts with your attitude and way of thinking. That is something I am still learning everyday. Don't spend one more second of your life allowing a mental ball and chain to dictate your actions or feelings. Decide how you want to feel and feel that way. Now, on a much happier note, I have included a few pictures of some memories that warm my soul. The ones that make you smile and turn the song up louder instead of changing the station. 

 

        

                                                                  (Our Wedding Day)

         

                                             (St Paddys Day '09...Bushwacked Central)

                                 

                                                        (My Bachelorette Weekend)

  

                                                    (Diana's Bachelorette Weekend) 

                     

                                       (The Halloween that he flew home and surprised me)